Friday, April 30, 2010

Rat Race

as i come into a new season of job hunting and anxious anticipation of a single acceptance amongst piles of rejections, i sometimes wonder what it'd be like to not be a part of the rat race, to have the freedom from any responsibilities beyond your own existence. obviously, those who know me know those thoughts don't linger long as i am a creature of urban existence and luxuries. but there are moments when the calm serenity of a backpack and green pastures or white sand beaches sounds extremely appealing.

this morning, as i prepared for another job interview by frantically browsing the internet for porn and gossip, i stumbled upon this time lapse short about someone's travels through the silk road. maybe it's my a.d.d. that is keeping me from focusing on the job hunt at hand, but the harmony of the music set to the vicarious adventures has me day dreaming the morning away.

Silk Road Timelapse: Two Months Across Tibet, Xinjiang, Yunan, and China from inMotion on Vimeo.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Denial

i've never lived my life with very much regret...or at least i always tried not to. there are very few things in my life that aren't good and i've been extremely fortunate to be where i am, so i find that allowing myself to regret paths not chosen is disrespectful to those who got me where i am and those who don't have the opportunities to have enjoyed what i have enjoyed.

but every once in a while, when things are going the way i hope, regret seems to be the scapegoat of my contempt. why didn't i try harder in san diego? why was i so selfish in shanghai? why didn't i come back sooner? etc etc etc...

you learn things as you gain more experience, and what i've learned about myself is that i'm really good at denial. and that's disappointing because i like to solve problems...but when it comes to ones i find have unfavorable resolutions, i tend to deny the outcome and pray that the grass is greener on the other side of my thoughts, that there's still a hidden path that i haven't found yet that will get me where i want to go.

my only fear is that in my denial, in my constant search for that path the doesn't exist, is that i miss other paths that may lead me forward.