Denial

i've never lived my life with very much regret...or at least i always tried not to. there are very few things in my life that aren't good and i've been extremely fortunate to be where i am, so i find that allowing myself to regret paths not chosen is disrespectful to those who got me where i am and those who don't have the opportunities to have enjoyed what i have enjoyed.

but every once in a while, when things are going the way i hope, regret seems to be the scapegoat of my contempt. why didn't i try harder in san diego? why was i so selfish in shanghai? why didn't i come back sooner? etc etc etc...

you learn things as you gain more experience, and what i've learned about myself is that i'm really good at denial. and that's disappointing because i like to solve problems...but when it comes to ones i find have unfavorable resolutions, i tend to deny the outcome and pray that the grass is greener on the other side of my thoughts, that there's still a hidden path that i haven't found yet that will get me where i want to go.

my only fear is that in my denial, in my constant search for that path the doesn't exist, is that i miss other paths that may lead me forward.