Reminiscing

everyone once in a while i go back to read my old entries, starting this blog back in 07 when i was still wandering about the blocks of shanghai...sometimes reaching even further back when i started posting on my xanga, looking at all the junk and mental diarrhea i once penned as thoughts. sure some of it was valid and parts of it were fun, but i looked back on it tonight and realized that i was an emotional sap...a vanity exercise all in my head...and a narcissistic punk in my immaturity.

now that it's three years forward, and i reflect on my life now, a lot has changed while plenty has stayed the same. my physical location, my age, my job, my schooling, my growth has all ripened and expanded...but i look at myself and i still see the immature, egotistical, guarded child that has dominated my emotions from time to time. but however slowly, i also see wisdom that is beginning to creep into my mind and experience beginning to wear down old foes. so i guess it is all about persistence in this game of life.

what really started me on this journey of introspection tonight was a thought that came across my mind when deciding not to go out with my friends tonight. though it was a long day and i'm still battling the swine flu and i could just use the rest, i realized that having personal time is key to my sanity. and i always crave it, but when i get it, i always wish i had someone around me to spend it with. my old relationships used to fill that void perfectly and happily, but we all know that i haven't had one of those in a long time. and then my family is just too far away to make it a consistent affair (though it was nice to see my mother last week, regardless of how much money i lost in vegas or the sadness of an aging grandparent). the feeling lingers...i was tired and didn't want to drink tonight, wanting to keep a level of mental sanity with personal time before work ramped up again...but once i got it, i started to look back and doubt my independence and confuse it with loneliness.

so i guess what i'm trying to say to myself is...sometimes i can be my own worst enemy, but it's the self-battles that are worth fighting and worth winning.