So Close

i hate to be a downer...and though its not 3am or the middle of the night...since i started working my bedtime has come earlier and earlier...so you'll have to excuse typical insomniac, emotional rant.

i know its petty to be worrying about all my little problems with all the things that have been going for me these days...but you know how it is, we always dwell on the things that have come and gone and the things we want but can't have. besides, its human nature to worry about the future, especially when you worry your dreams won't come true.

we judge ourselves by a plethora of measures...wealth, employment, friends, health, family, love. i'm not the wealthiest person, but i'm fortunate enough to be able to stay afloat in these turbulent times as so many others are not. i've finally stole my way into the perfect job, one that i probably didn't deserve. i have plenty of friends who will always be there for me if i needed them and i for them. with my eating and sleeping habits, its unbelievable that i still have my health but i do. and my family will always be the rock upon which i rely.

so with all those things...i should be extremely happy (and i am)...but its that last one that hasn't made me feel complete in a long time. its been a few months now and i still can't get thoughts of the past out of my head, nor do i want to...though there have been many days and even more nights where i hoped that they would just be gone. even as i write this, regret and insecurities rage throughout my mind. but i guess thats the way life goes. like i wrote before...i don't seek perfection anymore, and i guess meeting 5 out of 6 criteria is pretty damn good already. hopefully that last one will work itself out.