Perspective

as my posts have become more self-centered and notably pessimistic, my readership has fallen from one to none. i guess that is to be expected when no one really relates...or actually cares much...about an existence so befuddled by confusion and incoherence.

but as another one of my late-night wine induced posts, i don't expect much attention to be drawn to this entry. just wanted to get some words down on. i've been drifting through the days in a haze as of late, feeling sorry for myself...or perhaps self-loathing would be the better adjective. struggling to find the energy to focus on the matters at hand...finding gainful employment, penning the multitude of papers and essays i must write, and newly added problem, finding a new roommate to succeed the exit of my current companion.

my academic and professional careers have taken me down paths where i have seen the utter despair of those who cannot feed themselves, afford health care, or survive without charity. yet here i am, fully satiated, healthy, and fortunate enough to be able to provide charity...but all i can do is sit here and be angry at a world that has provided me nothing be good fortune, with a few bumps here or there. control is an elusive thing...and it is evading me at the moment. but if it does come back to me or i stumble upon it, i will remember to use it to gain a little perspective...to see that there will still be a tomorrow...and perhaps be able to shed myself of this undue burden i have only placed on myself and have only myself to blame.

Seasons Unfitting

spring is finally peaking out from behind the clouds of winter...the sun has made some welcome appearances in between brief bouts of rain. but the will of my alma mater...the sungod...has been kind on the only two times of year in dc where it is nice. 'tis cherry blossom season...and the tidal basin is in full bloom.

as i took a reflective stroll beneath the bloom, with a soft drizzle of mist blowing against my face, i realized that i haven't been particularly proud of the way i've acted these past few months. i'm not sure if i will emerge from this chapter the same person i went in...but the only thing i do know is that i will come out of it....

at least i really hope so

Recess

i remember when the class bell would ring and i'd throw all my papers and books and crayons into that little cubby hole in my desk...then run outside to play basketball on those 8 foot baskets, or manifest an obstacle course out of the various jungle gym pieces...and feel that that 30 minute break was never long enough...only to sadly return to my little desk and hope my mom packed a capri sun in my lunch.

what happened to those days...when the biggest problem i faced was whether i could go to that sleepover at chang's house, or challenging myself to beat everyone else on their multiplication tables, or making sure i drew within the lines.

whatever ever happened to my lunch box? when came the day that it got thrown away, i think i should've had some say in that decision

i bring up recess because these past few weeks, congress has been taking their annual spring break. allowing me to peruse my various rss feeds, spend hours trying to find people to annoy on gchat, and browse the internet for useless entertainment such as this...



however, my normally idle mind is being overworked by thoughts of cloudiness and uncertainty. now it's full of questions...prospective inquisitions and introspective investigations. the answers not always shining. but in the end, i think i did have a say in my decisions, and i just have to live with it.

"even in darkness, there is no permanence"

Past Words

i find myself in the wee hours of this morning, in a haze of insomnia and a crisis of faith. it isn't atypical to find me blogging here in the hours between night and morning...in a time where the freshness of my brain have been whittled into a puddle of incoherence...but unless there are mysterious readers (okay, who am i kidding...reader) who keep updated with this silly ol' sounding board, you are more often to miss these random posts as i typically delete them soon after. but i think this one i'll keep...

foraging in my past words, i stumbled upon a line i once wrote:

"i am sure that this expedition into the unknown and uncomfortable will be a watershed moment for my memoirs. the words are constantly being penned and my life is doggedly being created by Existence...and i am its muse...i will be introduced to the new chapters of my life as they are written and the pages continually turned."

something about the direction in my life has shifted since i wrote those words. sure i'm still treading in the unknown and uncomfortable...but there has been an essential transformation in the infrastructure of faith i once built my foundations on. for better or worse...that is still a chapter unwritten.

Way To Go Keith

in a continuance of my recent political stream...


i don't think hrc is a racist, and in my brief time in politics, i have supported her and admired her. but her campaign has trashed my opinion of her and her motives as it becomes clear to me that she and her people will do anything needed to win. when it comes down it, she employs cut-throat, karl-rovian politics...and i am just tired of it.

and to take a quote from my brother..."If she ever ends up picking up the phone at the White House at 3am, I hope it’s security asking her to leave since visitors aren’t supposed to be in the Oval Office."