Strangers

wow...it's been a while since i've done anything with this site. suffice it to say that the lone reader that still subjects themselves to reading this lowly medium into my random thoughts has moved onto newer and shinier objects in the webosphere. but whatever, my corner of the blogosphere remains to simply allow me to throw junk into onto the internet, and i will continue to do so.

i don't really have anything insightful or truly thoughtful to post this morning, just thought i'd post this wong fu productions video that i found hit particularly close to home.

We Reach For The Stars

it's easy to blame...it's easy to complain...and it's easy to make excuses. it's hard to accept...it's hard to understand...and it's hard to take responsibility. but in light of the president's speech tonight, it is upon all of us to seek the humility and the humanity that we seemed to have lost.

except, in the wake of tragedies like the one this past saturday in tuscon, there are never any words to say or actions that can be taken that will ease the pain and suffering of the victims.

at these moments, we look to our leaders to guide us. and though sometimes i hope that aaron sorkin would come to the rescue and put his rhetorical magic into the mouths of our public speakers, i know jeb bartlett will only speak to the "streets of heaven being too crowded with angels" in the annals of television history.

but sometimes, reality surprises us. oratory, when given well, has the ability to move us like music and deliver us an emotion that we could not have conjured ourselves. and while the president's speech tonight touched on many issues: anger, acceptance, humility, hope, and remembrance of those loved and lost...i will focus on his foresight and desire to see what we can be in light of what we are. expectations...to ourselves and to each other...all summed up in the eyes of a nine year old girl, a role model for the innocence and optimism that our country and political arena are built on, that too often we forget.

"i want to live up to her expectations, i want our democracy to be as good as christina imagined it, i want american to be as good as she imagined it. all of us, we should do everything we can do to make sure this country lives up to our children's expectations"

Taiwan 2010

for my annual trip out to the far east, i met up with my family in our taiwan home base in taichung. it was a welcome trip out of dc, and luckily, right before the snow storm hit the east coast. plus, it has been a couple of years since i've seen my brother and several more since i've seen my grandmother...so a nice family reunion was to be had.

i remember when i was younger, making these trips was very much a chore. always having to ditch my friends during our very few chances to meet up, never really haven't any friends out in asia, always being bored spending time with parents. and sure, those problems still exist now, but i have come to truly appreciate what these trips are for me. being so far away from my family, i have to take the very view chances i get to see them (any why not...it's not on my dime :P)

and this trip was no different...my brother flew down from shanghai to spend a several days with the family. we brought my grandmother over so we could take family photos. we went on a short in-island vacation to the local hot springs of yilan. and we ate...ate...and then ate some more.

though this will be the first year that i didn't celebrate a new years eve with excessive drinking and eventual vomiting, i'll take this clam and quiet transition to another year as an omen of a tranquil and stable 2011.

Goals

now that i've recently passed my latest celebration of my birth year, i feel that i should assess where i've come and where i want to go. thus far, it seems that i've followed the exact route that i should have...the stereotypical first-generation asian american path: do well in high school, get into a good college, travel a bit (explore the world), pursue and advanced degree, then find a job. that is the path that my parents have laid out in front of me, coddled and nurtured to succeed. but they can only take me so far...

at this point, it's really up to me. so yes, on paper, it looks like i've done a decent job with myself. grad degree, worked on an exceptional team to pass health care reform, and now am responsible for the health care portfolio of another senator. sadly, i've been working under the feeling that i've gotten very lucky...having fallen into my job with finance, which allure and aura helped land me my current job. i'm still waiting to feel like i've completely earned what i have.

but beyond these deep seated ramblings, i still have to set goals for myself. and i won't bore the blogsphere with the thoughts of job advancements or luck in love. i've set a few very achievable goals that i hope to have in my lifetime...and here they are:

1. i want to be able to live in a house where i can have my own pool table
2. i want to have an infinity pool overlooking a cliff
3. i want to be wealthy enough to be able to open up a restaurant without fear of it failing

so now that i've succeeded in most of my goals during the first quarter century of so of my life, let's see if i can't get the rest of those in the rest of my life.

Nostalgia

there have been a lot of change these days...birthdays, weddings, new jobs, new lives. but an invitation that arrived in the mail several months ago indulged me in a few days of the past. an old friend from years past was getting married...and i happily took this opportunity to see some great friends from a former life.


i've never been great at maintaining old friendships. my modus operandi is to develop a great group of friends everywhere i go...claremont, san diego, dc...but somehow i tend to only have the capacity to hold onto a handful of lifelong friends and regrettably, i lose touch with lots of others. and after making this trip back to california, seeing some of my old friends, i realized that i really missed that life.

dinner with lil sibs, drinks and a impromptu visit to napa with a great friend, reminiscing with old roommates, and wedding date with an old crush...it was all just a little bit surreal.

maybe it's hearing what all my old college buddies have been up to in the years that have gone by, or realizing i'm at the age when friends of mine start getting married and having kids, or that i've taken responsible steps to improve my career/life even if i'm not as confident about it. but as much as i move around and go down paths i never thought i would have, i still have to think...change is hard.

Rat Race

as i come into a new season of job hunting and anxious anticipation of a single acceptance amongst piles of rejections, i sometimes wonder what it'd be like to not be a part of the rat race, to have the freedom from any responsibilities beyond your own existence. obviously, those who know me know those thoughts don't linger long as i am a creature of urban existence and luxuries. but there are moments when the calm serenity of a backpack and green pastures or white sand beaches sounds extremely appealing.

this morning, as i prepared for another job interview by frantically browsing the internet for porn and gossip, i stumbled upon this time lapse short about someone's travels through the silk road. maybe it's my a.d.d. that is keeping me from focusing on the job hunt at hand, but the harmony of the music set to the vicarious adventures has me day dreaming the morning away.

Silk Road Timelapse: Two Months Across Tibet, Xinjiang, Yunan, and China from inMotion on Vimeo.

Denial

i've never lived my life with very much regret...or at least i always tried not to. there are very few things in my life that aren't good and i've been extremely fortunate to be where i am, so i find that allowing myself to regret paths not chosen is disrespectful to those who got me where i am and those who don't have the opportunities to have enjoyed what i have enjoyed.

but every once in a while, when things are going the way i hope, regret seems to be the scapegoat of my contempt. why didn't i try harder in san diego? why was i so selfish in shanghai? why didn't i come back sooner? etc etc etc...

you learn things as you gain more experience, and what i've learned about myself is that i'm really good at denial. and that's disappointing because i like to solve problems...but when it comes to ones i find have unfavorable resolutions, i tend to deny the outcome and pray that the grass is greener on the other side of my thoughts, that there's still a hidden path that i haven't found yet that will get me where i want to go.

my only fear is that in my denial, in my constant search for that path the doesn't exist, is that i miss other paths that may lead me forward.

Stir Crazy

forgive me in advance for what looks to be a self-loathing posting...but for the past few weeks, my morale, my sanity, and my mood have all been slipping. from the democratic party failures at work to the record setting blizzard trapping me in my own house to the emotional pendulum of my history have caused me to get a severe bout of cabin fever.

the signs of have clear of my impending downward spiral. three weeks of constant droning and internet browsing at work while we wait for any health care reform heartbeat...inches to feet of snow ruining plans for the third consecutive weekend...and months of misconstrued communication with a part of my past. it seems the only thing slower at acknowledging the signs of me reaching my dregs of sanity is toyota's delayed recall.

but alas, there are always two sides of the coin. and i was reminded, if not urged, by a friend of mine that complaints and whining are never attractive. and at this point, i need all the attractiveness i can muster to keep me afloat. so hopefully come sunday, a fresh layer of pristine white powder will also bring with it a renewed layer of optimism.

Reminiscing

everyone once in a while i go back to read my old entries, starting this blog back in 07 when i was still wandering about the blocks of shanghai...sometimes reaching even further back when i started posting on my xanga, looking at all the junk and mental diarrhea i once penned as thoughts. sure some of it was valid and parts of it were fun, but i looked back on it tonight and realized that i was an emotional sap...a vanity exercise all in my head...and a narcissistic punk in my immaturity.

now that it's three years forward, and i reflect on my life now, a lot has changed while plenty has stayed the same. my physical location, my age, my job, my schooling, my growth has all ripened and expanded...but i look at myself and i still see the immature, egotistical, guarded child that has dominated my emotions from time to time. but however slowly, i also see wisdom that is beginning to creep into my mind and experience beginning to wear down old foes. so i guess it is all about persistence in this game of life.

what really started me on this journey of introspection tonight was a thought that came across my mind when deciding not to go out with my friends tonight. though it was a long day and i'm still battling the swine flu and i could just use the rest, i realized that having personal time is key to my sanity. and i always crave it, but when i get it, i always wish i had someone around me to spend it with. my old relationships used to fill that void perfectly and happily, but we all know that i haven't had one of those in a long time. and then my family is just too far away to make it a consistent affair (though it was nice to see my mother last week, regardless of how much money i lost in vegas or the sadness of an aging grandparent). the feeling lingers...i was tired and didn't want to drink tonight, wanting to keep a level of mental sanity with personal time before work ramped up again...but once i got it, i started to look back and doubt my independence and confuse it with loneliness.

so i guess what i'm trying to say to myself is...sometimes i can be my own worst enemy, but it's the self-battles that are worth fighting and worth winning.

Every Sunday

at some point every sunday, i read postsecret and see what other people are thinking in their heads. and every once in a while, i run into one that fits my life and what i'm thinking at that very moment.

this one hit me today, right on the spot. it explains why i kept myself awake last night to make sure i called and why i couldn't sleep well and woke up early this morning. i don't expect you to read this, but i thought i'd just put it out there.happy birthday.

Need To Get Away

it's really rare that i feel stress to the point where it actually leads to physical repercussions. i've always been proud of the way i dealt with stress...maybe living in an environment of constant motion and nonstop chatter has finally wiped me out.

its important that people take some time to themselves sometimes, but the problem i've run into is that, to compound the stress i'm feeling from work and school, is that when i'm away from that, i am alone.

it woke me up this morning, at 7 AM on a sunday...i haven't been up this early on a sunday since i was back in apo waking up for some crazy service project that po had set up...and i felt like i should do something cliche like take a walk around the mall (national, not some strip mall you uncultured anti-americans) and sit on one of the benches surrounding the tidal basin and watch the morning go by with jefferson and lincoln in the foregrounds...but instead, i did what i always do in this situation, said "fuck it, reflected on everything else i had in my life, and went back to bed"

Routine

some people like the consistency of a routine...and for the most part, so do i. but there always has to be a bit of a shake up here or there, something new to come along to spice things up. lately, i've been stuck in life...as if i'm driving behind an old lady going 55 in the fast lane of a two-lane highway while blocked off by a semi next to me.

if i actually were in a car, i'd probably be tailgating that lady until she freaked out and moved out of my way...but i don't think i have the capacity at the moment to press down on the gas any harder. for me, that old lady would be the pressures of work (and my impending performance review that has gotten me anxious) and the semi would be the last month of school and the piles of work i need to get done before i can graduate. i'm hoping that one of the two will give way and i can actually enjoy some freedom to swerve around a bit of traffic.

but until something like that happens...it'll be wake up, work, school, too tired to cook cuz i'm home too late, sleep...and repeat

Waiting For Spring

maybe it's the five months of winter or the frenetic nature of the senate or the consistently drone of school...not sure what it is, but i've been dragging lately. the constant cold, the pressures of impressing the boss, and oppressing senioritis might have finally broken my spirits.

i used to drown it all out with lots of liquor, but after months of unbalance and "stress drinking", my once physically toned abs now have a doughy consistency to them that i find unappealing. yet even this has not motivated me to find time in my schedule to actually exercise...what i need is a gay best friend to bring the criticisms and drive that once pushed me (i'm looking at you po).

but this latest snow storm, which though brought a nice powder and clean shine to the city, has really got to wishing for spring. so many things will happen this spring, maybe it's the anticipation, but it seems to have dragged these past few months into vortex of time where the end game just gets pulled further and further away. with spring, the temperature might actually break 65, gray and brown will be replaced with the greenery of the flora and the pink of the cherry blossoms, a finale of 18 years of schooling, and hopefully a clean escape from past vices.

so yes...though the fresh blanket of snow may be appealing for the day, i'm really hoping for the sun to shine on a new day and a new story...a rejuvenating spring to cleanse the palate of an over-extended winter.

Overdue Update

at the request of my singular reader, i have returned to the blogosphere to update my neglected home in cyberspace. i do apologize for my lack of attention, i have been preoccupied by...what's that word that is used to describe the world outside the netizen existence...real life.

i think i've come to a realization these past few weeks, i don't think i'm one of those people who can be married to their jobs or to anything people are normally attached to. i don't find school all too stimulating...i enjoy the work i do and the potential it holds, but i don't live and die by it...i don't hang on every word or announcement of obama anymore...and i find the things i look forward to are all trivial, drinking on the weekends and watching the rise and falls of my fantasy football team (yeah, 4 game win streak to get into the playoffs).

i'll attribute this mentality to my unofficial, but well-documented case of a.d.d. but i wonder if this little issue will hinder my ability to continue to "fake it until i make it"...cuz sooner, i'm actually going to have to be good at my job and i'm afraid i'll have looked back on my years and realized i don't know shit. even as i write this, my concerns are again washed away and lost in my distractions as i fiddle around with my blackberry and little strings that hang off my sweater.

i was recently told that i was such an optimist...i wonder if that's because i actually believe that there is always some sort of light at the end of the proverbial tunnel; or that i'm just too lazy to find complications and would much rather just go with the flow. but i guess either way, my somewhat de-cluttered mind has kept me afloat through all the good and the bad times throughout this year...and as this year whiddles down to a few days, i'm sure this mentality will keep me sane through the next 365.

So Close

i hate to be a downer...and though its not 3am or the middle of the night...since i started working my bedtime has come earlier and earlier...so you'll have to excuse typical insomniac, emotional rant.

i know its petty to be worrying about all my little problems with all the things that have been going for me these days...but you know how it is, we always dwell on the things that have come and gone and the things we want but can't have. besides, its human nature to worry about the future, especially when you worry your dreams won't come true.

we judge ourselves by a plethora of measures...wealth, employment, friends, health, family, love. i'm not the wealthiest person, but i'm fortunate enough to be able to stay afloat in these turbulent times as so many others are not. i've finally stole my way into the perfect job, one that i probably didn't deserve. i have plenty of friends who will always be there for me if i needed them and i for them. with my eating and sleeping habits, its unbelievable that i still have my health but i do. and my family will always be the rock upon which i rely.

so with all those things...i should be extremely happy (and i am)...but its that last one that hasn't made me feel complete in a long time. its been a few months now and i still can't get thoughts of the past out of my head, nor do i want to...though there have been many days and even more nights where i hoped that they would just be gone. even as i write this, regret and insecurities rage throughout my mind. but i guess thats the way life goes. like i wrote before...i don't seek perfection anymore, and i guess meeting 5 out of 6 criteria is pretty damn good already. hopefully that last one will work itself out.

Life 3.5

there have been many things that have been traversing through my unusually occupied mind these days. having recently grown into another year of existence and received an offer to enter the working world, i have realized that i have advanced into another phase of my life...phase 3.5

phase 1 was obviously childhood and the teenage years...progressing through the k-12 years, ignorantly believing my high school sweetheart and i were destined to be together, when figuring out an excuse to stay out later than 11 was the task of trickery and genius. phase 2 would be the college years, when freedom and independence were first experienced and a forage into adulthood was at my fingertips. phase 3 would be my post-collegiate/grad-school year(s)...i throw in the obligatory (s) only because i'm including my brief stint in china which i give full credit into landing me where i am today. had it not been for the escape of my san diego bubble, who knows what meaningless position i would be in now.

so here we are...at phase 3.5 = still in school, working, but not yet paying ALL the bills and hoping i can avoid that as long as possible. i mention this, as i have ostensibly used many more words than necessary to get to this point, because i started this blog with the intention of posting some details of my birthday and hopefully trick you into checking out some photos. but i guess looking back, i must have lost your attention somewhere between teenage angst and arbitrary description of phases...so now, without the glitz of pictures or funny anecdotes to keep your attention, i'll just sign off as is.

with a quick thanks to all those who wished me a happy birthday and for those who were lucky enough to celebrate it with me at nafis's and marvins

Balancing Act

i haven't yet announced this news to but a few people, not sure what i'm waiting for exactly, but since no one really looks at this thing, i might as well continue...i have been given the opportunity to work for my perfect job. i am the new research assistant to the health team of the Senate Finance Committee. that doesn't sound so sexy, and i'm sure it won't be. but for a person in my shoes, this is the perfect stepping stone to a bright and hopefully, gratifying profession in public service.

this news should have drowned out all others and the elation of getting one's first real job should have engulfed my inner most emotions. and to a certain extent, it has provided a sense of relief coupled with increasing anxiety and nervousness. yet, here i am at 3:30 in the morning, blogging to no one about the sadness that has dominated my senses all night.

put in perspective, i have all that i can ask for at the moment when so many others have so little. and the appreciation is not lost on the irony that i have done relatively little and earned so much while so many others lost their jobs and homes this past weekend. so i'll keep my sadness brief.

but it is embodied in the notion that i couldn't share this with you. i type this knowing the object of this piece will not be reading these words...but still with genuine sentiment flowing through my fingers. there has been a dampness that i have felt. it has dulled the good and great moments and exacerbated the bad and worse ones. what was there was never perfect and probably never could have, but who wants perfection...seeking perfection sets us up for great disappointment. no, i'm not looking for perfection in everything, but i am (or was) hopeful in the potential of perfection in all things. this way, the bar is set high, but expectations moderate.

i bring up this new founded cynicism to this day...and this news. you knew what i was chasing and how perfect it would have been to have been able to share this moment with you. though perfection may have slipped from my grasp, not all was lost and i have set new terms of measurement...terms that i am happy to have met today.

Roller Coasters

i have never been a fan of roller coasters, i don't enjoy that adrenaline rush that propels throngs of young kids to 6 flags every summer. maybe its the motion sickness i get from loops or the whiplash from the turns, but they have never been my thing so i've always avoided them. but i have never, nor do i really hope to, avoid the roller coast of life.

i started this entry prepared to depress you with messages of pessimism and cynicism spawned from a period of recent challenges. the past few weeks has seemed like i was on a ride with sharp turns and gravity-challenging loops only to discover that my shoulder locking mechanism was loose and i'd have to rely on those dinky little metal bars that extend over your lap. but instead of groaning about things that did not come to be or a future that turned to memories, i was inspired tonight by the words of an individual.


now of course she wasn't speaking to me, or the comparatively minor problems i face in my life, but the tone of the message, the hopefulness of the future, the dreams that erased the nightmares that has shifted my emotional latitude for the moment.

i had made the familiar journey from my house to campus for what would seemingly be my last first-day of school. and as i made the trek, it seemed resoundingly clear that my future isn't something that is abstract...not like it is to the hundreds of new freshmen aimlessly lost around campus...but it is now something tangible. and how i choose to react to my recent situations will speak oceans of how far i've come as that same freshman only 6 years ago.

and to listen to michelle obama speak tonight, i have learned that i am here not only because of my past, but because of what i've done with it and what i've learned from it to take me to my future. i'm not proud of a lot of moments in my life, and the temptation of an eternal sunshine moment has always lingered, but i only live with the knowledge that there will be these moments again in the future, and how you treat them is the definition of where you'll go. the past few weeks may have felt as if i've been on the top of the tracks fearful of the impending descent, but now i know i have to face that fall not with fear, but with hopefulness to the rise that undoubtedly follows.

so here's to hoping...

Surviving

somethings breathing is all you can do to survive...





...what happens when you can't even do that?

One Year Anniversary

things have definitely changed in this first year of my transplant. from continuing higher education to actually working a legitimately real job to living on my own...it has been a pretty up-and-down year. but that's the way things go in this game of life.

it was not too long ago that i was wandering around the streets of shanghai, headless and without direction. but just 14 months since, it is good to see true progression.

with a year's worth of goals under my belt...nachc, my first 3.7 gpa, my first true snowfall, congressional staffer...i un-grudgingly move forward into my next year of reality.

now that i have true experience padding my resume, a solid year's worth of graduate education in my head, my current unemployment does not strike the same amount of fear in my confidence as i once had. but where will i end up? as always, times and situations may change, but existence is still ongoing, and i am still its muse.